{All the Little and Big Things}{My Life}

damn it

2009-07-20T20:20:00.000-05:00

i was okay.
now im not.
get out of my head.

CANCER

2009-07-14T20:19:00.002-05:00

Devastated. That's how I felt when I heard those words, "I'm sorry but you have cancer" I felt like I was trapped in a commercial. There was no compassion. No emotion. The dr. was COLD. I dealt with the cancer. I fought it and I won. Then 3 months later, the call, we need you to come by the office and get the results from your check-up. I knew that wasn't good. I went in and the dr told me the cancer had returned. wow. I was devastated again. I fought the hard fight. I battled and won. again.
Cervical cancer.
painful.
emotional.
sad.
devastating for my family.
I fought so long and hard. I beat it. Everything was perfect. Then it happened. I felt the pain.
It was back. the 3rd time. why? I secrely underwent treatment. I told almost noone. I endured it alone.
About a month and a half ago I had a hysterectomy. The cancer is gone.
It will not be back.
It is not allowed.
The point of this is not to complain about what happened to me, the point is to tell you all that you MUST get regular checkups and YOU MUST LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!!!
Take care of youself.
Only you can.

Two Weeks

2009-07-11T20:03:00.002-05:00

Jennah will be out of town for 2 weeks visiting her family in new mexico. Im gna miss her, but so glad she is going. I just need to make sure that I am staying on track with working out and everything in her absence. I didn't lose any weight, but I didn't gain any either. I am not thrilled about it, but I am ok with it.

SHIT

2009-07-10T18:26:00.002-05:00

I have to say that I am realizing alot of things about alot of people at Target, and in general.
People lie.
People talk shit but down't own up to it.
People only care when you are doing something for them.
Do I have any friends at Target?
Maybe a couple.
Had icecream lastnight.
It was amazing. lol.
weigh tommorow.
eeek.

I Am HAPPY

2009-07-08T21:30:00.003-05:00

I have been on this amazing planet for 31 years. I have so much going for me. I am alive. I battled cancer twice and kicked it's ass. I have a husband who loves me despite my many faults. I have the 3 most amazing kids ever. I am movinf onto a new job. I have a great small group of friends. [very small] I have the best friend on the planet. I have a great brother who I love so much. I got to see my nephew. My mom is starting to hang out with my kids. I have eliminated drama from my life. I don't sweat the small stuff. I laugh loud and I laugh often. I enjoy life. Thank you God for all that he has given to me and for all that has been taken away.

I walked 2 miles today. I wanted to quit so bad!! I was tired. so weak. But I kept going. And Cliff did it with me. He's such a great support.

Hadn't talked to my best guy friend in a few days. miss him. hope hes ok. he hasnt been doing great.

Peace/////////

oh the ChAnGeS that are coming

2009-07-07T22:05:00.002-05:00

Well, as you all know, my time at Target is coming to a close. I am nervous and excited all rolled up in one ball. I am sad to leave certain people, but excited for the new things on the horizon.

Picked up my nephew today, hadn't seen him in almost 2 years. Missed him. Also my brother and I went by my other nephew's grave. My brother's son died in 1995. It was the first time in many many years that he had gone to the grave site. I was proud of him for going.

We are weighing in a day early this week because Jennah is going on vacation Saturday. I hope I lost at least 2 pounds. She will be gone 2 weeks. I will miss her. I will not slack in her absence.

Worked today until 3:30 pm, went to Joe's (brother) drove an hr and a half to poolville, got the nephew, drove back, the family all met at my brother's, we were there until 7:30pm, stopped by Mcdonald's fed the kids and the hubby, came home, went directly to the work out, did the cardio max, 1&2, 40 minutes total. Cliff did most of it with me. I relaxed for a bit, went to the store, purchased a few items, bought a salad from subway (and ONE peanut butter cookie) (a weakness) and now here I am.

Very long day. But a good one.

2009-07-05T21:09:00.002-05:00

I made all the excuses in the world not to work out today, and they were good and valid ones. You need to let yourself rest, you walked two miles yesterday. But I also ate funnel cake and kettle corn yesterday.
So, I did the workout. I did cardio max one and two. for the 1st time. felt great. go me.
gotta keep the pace if i want to keep losing..

Jennah

2009-07-05T18:35:00.002-05:00

I have talked a little about a girl named Jennah in my blog previously and for those of you who don't know her, I wanted to elaborate. She is my bestfriend, my sister. She is there for me like noone else has ever been. I love her as my sister. I love her family. I would do anything in the world to make her life easier.
A- amazing
B- beautiful (inside and out)
C- crazy (in all the best ways)
D- devoted (to her family and friends)
E- excellent (parent)
F- famous (she shines like a star)
G- gorgeous
H- healthy (she is taking control of her life)
I- intelligent
J- joyous
K- kind
L- loving
M- mother (that says it all)
N-nurturing
O- original (there is no1 like her)
P- pretty
Q- queen (all good women are)
R- radiant (with beauty)
S- sweet
T- thoughtful
U- unique
V- vibrant
W- wonderful
X- Xcellent person
Y- you will never have a friend like mine!
Z- zzz's haha she has a wierd sleep pattern

And that's a-z Jennah

iNdEpEnDeNcE dAy

2009-07-04T23:05:00.002-05:00

Today was weigh-in day. I lost 4 pounds. I am estatic. 223. never thought that would excite me so. I am so proud. I did have soime naughty things at the boy's ranch. funnel cake and kettle corn. but i shared both. we also walked to and from the boy's ranch which was nice. i carried sean (jennahs son) part of the way, his baby legs were tired.
Work was okay. long.
Independence Day. Family. Fireworks. Fun. It was nice. Cliff didn't come with us. That made me sad. He wasn't feeling great and he works out in the heat, so I really couldn't fault him.
Realizing I don't have many friends. I'm ok with that. People are so fake. You think you know people. You work with them, you go out, you becaome close. Oh wait, apparently things aren't always what they seem. I don't care. i have everyone I need.
Please remember that freedom isn't free. Pray for a soldier tonight.

cHaNgEs

2009-07-03T21:08:00.002-05:00

Put in my notice today.
Nervous for all the changes coming.
Chris made me feel so bad.
I do feel bad.
I will miss it there.
There is a complete sadness.
But also an excitement.
A new job.
New people.
But there is that sense of loyalty to my boss.
He was there for me when I was very sick.
I feel so torn.
I have to do it for me.
I deserve this.

Tommorow we weigh in! It's been a week, let's see what progress we have made. I am nervous. It will be good. I have busted my ass. I want to lose weight. I want to see that it was all worth it.

Work was hell. It was busy. I was stressed. People are upset with me. I hate quitting.
That's all I have to say.

Not a Good Day

2009-07-02T09:17:00.002-05:00

I woke up sore. Very sore. I feel terrible. I am still going to work out. It will help the stiffness. I am feeling pretty good about how I am doing with the exercising.
Today is my meeting with the starbucks team. I am extremely anxious. I don't know if I want to even do it. Im fairly sure I am leaving Target, but I have to meet my commitments while I am still there.
I am so sick of Tom. He needs to get a fucking job. He hasn't been here in days. He is the least motivated person I have ever known.
That's all for now.

Changes big&SMALL

2009-07-01T17:56:00.002-05:00

I worked 830-445 today. I got to work with Candace. She puts me in a good mood. Going to sushi friday with her and another friend . Super excited. She is such a happy girl. Peoole could learn a thing or two from her. She is so free-spirited. So Smart. She has a good head on her shoulders and big goals for herself. I am proud to know her.
I got off work, came home, changed clothes, went straight to the workout. I knew that if I didn't do it then, I wouldn't. Popped in the Biggest Loser Cardio Max video (thanks Jenn) and Cliff and I got to working it out and OMG it was intense!! I was dripping with sweat which felt oddly amazing.
I ate pizza for lunch, bot great, but tonight Im having baked chicken and a side salad.
I love my life.
I love those of you I chose to put here.
Thank You.

Working it {mentally and physically}

2009-06-30T20:02:00.003-05:00

You already know all about my day, so this is part 2.
I took a nap (a nice long 2 hours)
The hubby came home. We hung out a bit. I went to the store, picked up the kids from splash. Ate cottage cheese and strawberries, and I am proud to say that No I did Not dip them in sugar.
I felt pretty motivate, so I told the hubby I was going to do a mile, and he did it with me. I LOVE how he supports me. Anyways, I actually used weights this time. (i lb for the 1st 1/2 and then 3 lbs for the 2nd 1/2) I didn't want to over-do it, but I was so stiff from the workout this morning that I thought a mile would do me some good. Did the mile with the hunny, then I was showing him some of the things we did for the bootcamp. He was so impressed. I could see and feel how proud he was of me and how far I have come.
I am also working on my mental health. I have been on numerous medications and I would like to get off of them. I am manic-depressive, acute bi-polar. (so they say) I think Maybe it was just low self-esteem. I am not doing anything drastic, I am still taking the medications prescribed to me, however I am also talking about my feelings, working out to a new me, and having the strong desire to be off the meds completly. I let alot of the little and big things in my life wear me down. I let PEOPLE pleasing burn me out. I am now realizing that not everyone can be pleased and guess what else.. not everyone Deserves it. I am living for me and my family and the very few close friends I have. I refuse to live my life for people who don't love me, me the real person that I am. I only want people who are healthy to my life. a good friend once told me that friendship is earned. He is so right. It's not something to just hand out to people who might not be worthy.
I love the people I choose to put in my life. They are good to me, I am good to them. I may not have a perfect life, but it's MY life, and I will live it happily every single day thanking God that I am still hear to enjoy it.
To everyone reading this, HOLD THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE CLOSE AND DEAR TO YOUR HEART. TOMMOROW IS NOT PROMISED. I think that all the recent celebrity death should tell us that. Farrah fought cancer, she did not lose her battle, she just grew tired. Cancer fatigues you in a way you can not understand unless you go through it. Billy Mayes sold the heck out of stuff. He is probably still selling orange glow in heaven. Michael Jackson. He was a tortured soul. He had a horrible childhood. I will not judge him, because it is not my place. I just pray he asked the Lord's forgiveness before he died. He was a great talent, the best that ever lived. I have not met one person who couldn't sing along with at least one song. His talent will be missed, but he is at peace.
Love the people in your life, they might not be there tommorow. Don't hold a grudge. Love freely. Don't waste your time being bitter or angry. Life is too short. Trust me. I know.

A DAY OFF

2009-06-30T12:53:00.002-05:00

Well, I am off today. That excites me. Got up at 8:20, went to Joanne's with the bestie and the daughter. We got some cool star charms to start the earrings. (well for Jenn to start them) After that, we went to Jennah's, did the big loser bottcamp and a stretch video. worn out. but proud of us!
Kids went to splash. I have a bit of time to myself. The jobless nephew isn't here, which is a relief because he is on my last nerve. We talked to him and let him know that next Monday if he hasn't shown us anything, trying to get a job, or being employed, he is gone. I work too hard to take care of a grown man who makes NO effort to do anything for himslef. He has been here for 5 months, he has not contributed anything for the household. I am fed up. He is taking food out of my kids' mouths and I am so done. I could do more for my kids, if I didn't have to make sure he had things. He smokes Cliff's cigarettes. He is just become an aggravation. I don't want him here anymore without a job. He has had plenty of time.
The hubby is at work, I wish he were here. I miss him. The house is empty. Just me and my thoughts.. We had a good night last night. We had a nice long talk. We had a very wonderful night.
Well, I think I am going to take a nap before the kids get home. Then Maybe I will walk a mile.

excitement

2009-06-29T19:48:00.002-05:00

Today was a good day. I worked in the deli with Lori, it was cool to try something new. It wasn't cool; however, getting up at 4 am. We were able to work on schedules together which was nice. I got to talk with Jordan a bit about food avenue. Alicia and I had some time to gloat over our 3.78% survey score ion starbucks (yay) food ave was 3.87%, I never have to worry about them though. I got to see and chat with a good friend who is on another team. He makes me laugh. I think he gets me. He gets who I am and he is still my friend. He takes me at face value and accepts me. He might be the only one at Target that gets me. completly.
Candace trained in starbucks yesterday. I knew I liked her before, but I like her even more now. First of all, she has one of those personalities that engage you. She has such enthusiasm for everythin she does. It is very endearing and Refreshing!!
I walked a mile and a half today. I feel really good about it. I am very proud of myself. I need another video besides the walking one though. I will have to get with Jennah, she has a million. lol. Jenn did a workout as well today! I am so proud of her. Tommorow we will be working out together and Carson will be joining us. She likes to workout. She is so cute!
We are also going to look for charms so that Jennah can make earrings for Carson's gift bags for her 11th birthday party. (it's not until October) lol BUT this is the first big party she will have and seperate from Tim so we are doing lot of early planning. Tim is having a laser tag party so it's not quite so much to do early on.
I got the official job offer tody. I would be working 530pm-2am making about 1.60 more an hour also with bonus available. I have every Sunday and Monday off which will be awesome for going to church and getting things planned. I will have 20 days of pto if I need another day off. I am fairly certain I will be taking the job. I am not looking forward to telling Chris, my boss for the last 5 years. He has been good to me, but it's not presonal. It has nothing to do with him. This is progression for me and less frustration with trying to lead people who seem unable to follow.
Well, that's all I have for now. Have a great night all...

Frustrations

2009-06-28T18:52:00.002-05:00

Today was a rough day. I am so sick of he stress of running starbucks. Why am I having such HUGE issues with getting people to do what I ask? Simple thingss. Food avenue is going wll. I have great, dedicated team members. Apparently the team members at Starbucks don't understand why I don't stand there and do nothing when there are two of us scheduled. Well, hmmm it might be because I have TWO departments to run and there is Alot more to it then they could ever understand. They used the old team lead as an excuse not to do stuff because she didn't help them or she was always goofing off, but I work my ass off and I get the same results. I am so frustrated. I talked to my guys who work at food avenue and told them I was possibly leaving and they don't want me to, that says something.. doesn't it?? I don't know what they expect, maybe I should stand there and let them go chit cha with people in other departments and completly neglect my duties as a team leader. I don't think so. ugggggggg. I am so fed up. And they wont even tell me their frustrations so that I can clue them into my world, no they just bitch to other people. I can't wait until the meeting.

2x in 1 day

2009-06-27T20:16:00.002-05:00

Well, I can't believe I am going to blog again, but I have things to share. I had a good day at work. I got to work with Kia, she is so awesome. Anyways, after work, I got home, and shortly thereafter arrived the hubby. He finished the job and got paid. He went and took careof a few things, and I was going to head for Jennah's. I decided to stop by the store and gt Jennah the dress she really wanted because she deserves it. I got the dress, and a people mag, and a scale. Headed to Jennahs, gave her the dress, she was very happy... it made me happy to be able to do it for her because she is a great friend, a wonderful mom and wife and I wanted her to have something new to feel good in.. Anyways we took our measurements, and weighed in. I lost 2 lbs. WOW!!!!!! I was super excited!!! I just can't wait to be able to wear those gorgeuos clothes and feel beautiful. We did the biggest loser bootcamp and a stretch video. I felt so proud of myself knowing that I was working towards bettering myself. I am doing this for ME.
227
not a great number, but a better one

Beautiful Life

2009-06-27T14:22:00.002-05:00

I really do have a beautiful life. I have a great guy whom I married, Cliff, he has put up with ALOT of shit from me, and he stood by me, and he loves me still. I have 3 amazing kids, I talk about them a bit in my profile, but I want to share a bit more.
Timothy Eugene was born October 26, 1996 He was a very welcome suprise. I was 17 years young when I got pregnant with him, I had to grow up fast. Timothy came into my life as such a blessing, he saved my life. I wasn't in a good place in my life, but when I found out I had a little human being growing inside of me, I was never the same. He has always been such a smart and witty child. He is quite handsome (pics to follow soon) I am very blessed to have him as my son.
Carson Madison was born October 23, 1998 I was estatic when I found out I was having a little girl, someone to dress up, play make-up and just =chill= with. Carson was born beautiful on the inside and out. She is going to the 5th grade next year. I am so proud of her. She loves to read, does very well in school (highest gpa in the 4th grade) She has an amazing heart. She loves people and reaches out to the kid that noone else would.
Matthew Ayrton was born January 5, 2000 He is my litte miracle baby. The pregnancy was hard. He was a very big baby (9 lbs 10 oz) The labor was rough, we almost died; both of us. He is a fighter. He came out fighting and has never stopped. He is so tough!! But he has a heart of gold. He is a very kind and loving young man. He loves life and lives it to the fullest. If every adult lived life the way he does, the world would be a better place.
I met Cliff at a young age. He and my brother was bestfriends. We started dating March 8, 1997 We waited years to get married, but it was the best decision of my life. He is a very supportive person. I have not always been a good wife. I am not a perfect person, but he stuck by me, flaws and all, we are stronger than ever. I thank God every single day for my family.
My bestfriend is Jennah. We have known eachother for about 2 years now. She is an amazing person. She loves and supports me through all life's challenges. I am so blessed to have her in my life. I am just happy. I have a bEaUtIfUl LiFe!!!!!

MY DAY {weightloss,work,and happy pills}

2009-06-26T20:54:00.004-05:00

Well, I got up early, took the hubby to work, then off to Target I went. I was scheduled in starbucks, but I had alot of other {fun} stuff to do. I left early (2pm) so that I could pursue my lead at Wells Fargo. Today they basically had an unofficial orientation telling me (and others) the details about the job, and allowing us to ask questions, there were 10 of us there. I will know for sure by Tuesday if I got it or not, they dismissed us as a group and told us they would give us a call Monday or Tuesday either way. Time will tell. Meanwhile, back at the ranch {target} I had my leadership status meeting with Chris and it went really well. I almost felt guilty for pursuing another avenue, but I think this is what is best for me, if the money is right. I am not going to say that I dont have a lump in my throat thinking of the possibilty of leaving the place I have called my home for almost 5 years. I have made alot of bonds there, time will also tell how true and strong those bonds are.
So, I get done with that, head to pick up Cliff, and have to stop to put gas in the car $2.38 very sad, but Cliff is getting paid today so it'll be fine. I get to where he is and his bestfriend and boss offered me a shot, {yay alcohol, they must of gotten paid}, I of course accept, and Steve and I have 3 shots of blueberry vodka each. I am feeling happy at this point, then he says those words I did not want to hear. "we will have the job done 2moro" I tried to hide my disapointment, but I don't know how well I did. Cliff and I leave and he says he's sorry, totally not his fault,this is hard work. But..hmmm we need gas. So I go return something that I wanted to keep, get gas, and head home. I wanted to buy a scale so bad, but ugg it didn't happen, they will still be there 2moro, right? I came home, hugged Cliff, and put in the work out video, did amile walk/workout. It felt amazing. I am proud of myself. Cliff was so supportive and he did it with me. Jennah did her workout as well, we are doing good.
Well, I have to be at work at 5am, so I guess I will shower, get clothes ready, take my happy pills and call it a night.
Thanks for reading....

229

2009-06-26T00:45:00.000-05:00

That is the number I saw on the scale tonight. That was not a happy number. I do not like the way I look. I want my husband to find me attractive. I want to feel good about myself. I don't want to feel like a blob. I want to feel beautiful. I haven't been slim since I was a child. I wasn't big like I am now as big as I am now, but even as a teenager, I was 20 or more pounds overwieght. I do not like the way I feel when I look at myself in the mirror, I want to feel desirable.
So, Jennah and I hung out today and we ran by her apartment (she was lending me a video) and we decided to work out. It felt so amazing. I felt like I was on top of the world. I am going to do this. I ws eating so healthy when I was sick, and I just totally got out of the habit. I will not fail. I want to look good in a bathing suit. I want to be healthy enough to run and play and enjoy my kids.
I am not controlled by my weight, I am control of it. I am cutting out soda and starbucks (eeek) I am going to work out at least 4 times a week. I am going to stop with the junk food (glad Granny made cookies yesterday)(haha) This will be a struggle. I will want to quit. I will be angry that I let myself get to this point. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I need love and support. I need to feel like people believe in me. Jennah and I are doing this together. We will be those skinny bitches we talk about(lol) I don't want to be a stick figure, I just want to be healthy.
I just want to feel proud of the way I look. I ant to be found attractive. I want people to look at me and say wow she's hot. I just want to feel good again. And I Will. Please pray fro me and Jennah. Give us strength to make it to our goal. My first goal is to be under 200 pounds. 199. what a beautiful number.
Until we meet again... goodnight.

{Decisions.}

2009-06-24T12:33:00.000-05:00

I have been working at Target for almost five years. I love the people I work with (for the most part) and I have the best boss I have ever had. He is very supportive and helpful. I recently took a new position as team leader over starbucks and food avenue. I was previously a guest service team leader, which I enjoyed, but eventually you get tired of people constantly bitching about things you have no control over. My boss, Chris, went over to food and asked me to go with him, so I did. I really enjoy the food avenue part, I am always busy, and my team is awesome. We have great service scores, and work well as a team. Then there is the starbucks part. I do like my team, and most of them are trying very hard to make the department better. We have cleaned and organized the department, but we struggle with survey scores. I don't get that. It is so frustrating. Then there is the district manager, she is not as bad as I was told, but she is still bad. She is just one of those people who isn't pleasant, and she makes me so uncomfortable. So, I started searching other avenues and have been offered positions with similar compensation, but I know that I will miss the people at Target so much! I don't know what to do.

SETTING UP MY PAGE

2009-06-23T23:33:00.000-05:00

So Im on yahoo talking to the bestie and we somehow get onto the subject of journals, blogs, etc. and she tells me about this site where I can keep an online journal that is viewable to others and it sounded pretty cool, so I ask her how to do it and she starts going through all the steps with me. I have it set up, and then she is trying to help me get a new nicer layout, so finally after alot of laughter and explanation, she helps me get the layout done. (pretty) So, I get it all done and she asks me what my url address is, I was like umm i don't know.. I figured out what it was, told her and now I have one whole follower. lmao. I never knew that making an ass of myself would be so much fun!!! Love ya Jennah.